thinky thots thursday

This week’s thinky thots will deviate slightly from the usual format: instead of free-associated silliness from my children (whom I’ve been ashamedly too busy to really listen to, and to whom I’ve “mmm-hmmmed” distractedly when they – for all I know – told me they’d built a time machine in the attic or flushed the entire kazoo collection down the toilet), there will instead be a list of random thoughts I’ve been too disorganized to think properly but have not successfully exited my brain to leave me in peace. So, without further ado (as the preceding was plenty, wasn’t it), here they are, in all their random incoherence, my Thots:

• Firstly, to all the passengers on my United Airlines cross-country flight this coming Saturday, please accept advance apologies for my children’s behavior, which will undoubtedly be their very bestest but still slightly, uh, lacking by your presumably reasonable standards. You can blame it all on Monsieur Shriek, who, breadwinner that he is, had to travel separately and abandon me to the pint-sized Fates.

• LemonWatch 09 will officially go into effect upon our return: what started out as a casual, every-so-often, “of course, help yourself” neighborly citrus picking has become Frequent Entitled Lemon Poaching (FELP) and I now can never find a nice ripe lemon on my own damned tree when I need one. I’m not sure how to politely rectify the situation, but I shall at least Observe and Note when FELPs occur. It’s a start.

• To the mother of the Very Young Child at the pool who let said child go to the toilet by herself: when your Very Young Child makes poo-poo in the only toilet at the pool, and she is not so much with the capable cleanup, and thus smears remains of bowel contents all over the toilet seat, which my child must now sit on (shoutout to the Wet Wipes which are on my person at all times), I think that you must actually be in attendance for this event, rather than yakking about test scores with the other moms whose children are *not* crapping solo in – have I mentioned? – THE ONLY TOILET AT THE POOL. And when your Very Young Child says “I don’t need soap” to my inquiry about handwashing, for godsakes at least teach her the manners to reply submissively to my cheery “OH YES YOU DO, SWEETHEART. LATHER UP.”

• Is using the word “debouched” in a novel three separate times a bit much? I thought so, too.

• If a bathroom cleanser specifically states “No Scrub!” on its label, but dispenses in such a manner that it streaks in vertical channels down the tub sides, no matter how thoroughly and evenly one attempts to apply it, what is one supposed to do with it to, you know, actually get the bathtub clean?

• I don’t suppose losing ten pounds by this Sunday is feasible nor advisable, however if it could be quietly arranged I’d be very happy to fit into my summer pants again for our trip to HotnHumidville.